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Saturday Sept 27, 2003
R Lee Ermey at the premiere of the

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (remake) Premiere

 

We've all been quoting Ermeys' thundering abuse since 1987, and I jumped at the chance to actually meet him. I wasnt that interested in seeing a remake of Chainsaw, a film I didnt feel needed to be remade. I flat out hated TCM when I first saw it on video, but for some reason- it worked on me when I saw it on the big screen at the original Alamo way back when. However the outrageous but not quite campy sequel had me and my friends from high school pissing our pants in laughter. The third one was just creepy and evil and the 4th one, with Matthew McConaghey and Renee Zellwenger is one of the strangest videos you'll ever rent. Ive heard sad stories that most of the crew of the original movie got very little rewards for their work- and I hope they get some kind of payback from this remake.

I had nothing but the lowest expectations for this flick- it seemed like yet another bit of pandering to the "Scream" crowd, sticking teen-hottie Jessica Biel into a cash-in on the name of the original . Well, I didnt love it and I didnt hate it. I have to admit they really did try to make a horror movie- no campy winking at the camera or post gen x references. The "Blair Witch-ey" grainey B&W documentary footage that opens and closes the film was a clever idea- as was having John Larroquette do the narration. It had a few good jolts and scares- but in the end- theres not much going on here that I havent seen a hundred times before. And- as much as it pains me to say this, our man Ermey was a liability- not an asset. He wasnt reigned in enough, so when the sherriff blasted out lines like "get outta the car MAGGOT!" he wasn't the sherrif anymore, it was the return of Gunney Hightower from Full Metal Jacket. And whats wrong with that? On its own- nothing, but its a major distraction in a horror movie and - for me- completely broke the mood.

Just before the movie started, Tim League warned the crowd not to have their cameras out during the screening or else New Line Cinema would shut off the projector and end the show. He said New Line would have security guards with infra red night scopes scanning the crowd for camcorders. I thought he was kidding- but nope- there they were- dudes with high tech spy googles looking for pirates. In true Alamo style, they opened the film with corresponding trailers, TOY STORY and of course FULL METAL JACKET. I never realized before that Ermey- not Tom Hanks or Tim Allen, is the star of the TOY STORY trailer.

The Alamo boasted that this was being held at "an abandoned insane asylum" but it was really a now defunct school for troubled teens. But I guess "an abandoned insane asylum" makes a for creepier setting than "school for troubled teens." Before the screening the crowd wandered through the grounds (thats me in the 07 Jersey) , and I saw some fans arrived in costume. I showed up some 2 hours early but my dumbass forgot a chair. I thought I lucked out when I found one on the grounds but it was infested with fire ants. Heres a snap shot of some medical waste container I found.

After the screening the director, an actress and Ermey himself held a Q & A. But lets face it- we only wanted to hear from the Gunny himself.

He led us in the ''welcome to basic training" speech from FMJ and had several more memorable lines such as

Q: Who taught you to curse? A "My Mother taught me to curse !"

Q Is Jack Black (Saving Silverman) a good kisser? A "No- and I told him if I saw an erection it was all over"

Q Whos your favorite director to work with? "Stanley Kubrick and Peter (The Frighteners) Jackson, I get along with Gene Hackman- he's an ex marine.... I dont like Hollywood parties, I'd rather drink beer with some Marines. "

and my fave "Its not a DOLL its a motivational figure!!!!"

xxxxxAfter the Q&A they showed The Frighteners. I remember the Frighteners as not being Peter Jacksons best, which although it may not be- its still pretty good. The crowd thinned out and the temperature dropped several dgrees with a wonderful cool breeze blowing across the georgeous Texas sky. I've never been as much of a Rolling Roadshow fan as I ma fan of the origianl Alamo theater- but as I walked across the long green fields to my car and looked up at "the stars so bright" and thought that this was one of the nicest nights Ive had in Texas, and meeting Ermey and seeing The Frighteners on a big screen was an awesome experience.